I’m not crying, you are.

Imagine going to sleep and waking up a different person, in a different world.

In May 2019, I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 42. Being sick before and during the pandemic, I spent a lot of time inside immunocompromised and isolated from the world. Chemo had me beat down, there was a lot going on in my (now) exe’s life and I just wanted to disappear. I leaned hard on alcohol, and for a while, it worked. It was like a time machine making the days go by and blur together. When I was dropped back off in reality, I was left with palpable anxiety and self loathing that only got worse. And so this terrible, dark cycle began, leaving behind a delicious and fuzzy trail of self destruction.

At times it feels like the door slammed closed in the eve and by morning, everything had changed. In reality, that door closed in 2019 and didn’t open again till 2022, three years later.

I’m not the same and you seem very different to me too.

Nothing is as I remember Before Cancer (2019 BC), even our world is different. My relationships, temperament, views on life and mostly importantly, what I’m willing to tolerate, have all drastically changed. My life will never be the same and I haven’t stopped to mourn this. Partly because it all seemed to happen in the blink of an eye while also going by so slowly. Trauma + alcohol can do this. In just 2 weeks, I’ll celebrate 2 years alcohol free, 2 years since my debilitating reconstructive surgery and also 2 years in therapy (#2222)! It has not been easy and I’m only now truly processing and trying to move on. Something I’m learning without alcohol to cope, is how difficult these life transitions can be. Some days it can take my breath away. Until recently, I didn’t understand the phrase “sitting with your feelings”. While I do a little less sitting, and a little more stewing, I finally get it. It’s SO hard to sit through the discomfort. To let the feelings come up and not cling to distraction or push it down. To substitute impulsive releases with the slower skill of self soothing. To really know that tomorrow will feel different from today. To truly learn to trust yourself.

This feels very heavy and it sucks. It also means growth is ahead and that’s exciting.

If you had told me 10 years ago that I would move to Texas, quit drinking, battle cancer and live through a global pandemic with Donald Trump as our leader, I would’ve told you to f•ck off. But here we are and the list could go on. It’s been a journey y’all, and I’m ready to share it with you.