It’s time to leave and live.
The past few years have been rough. At so many points, I felt misunderstood and like no one could possibly understand what I had been through or the long road ahead.
No one talks about life after cancer.
So I just stopped trying to explain. It’s been very lonely but I think it had to be this way. Are we ever truly ourselves around anyone other than…ourselves?
I had a lot to work on - recovering from cancer, alcohol abuse, a missing body part, multiple surgeries, burnout, anxiety, a major break up, chemo induced menopause, waking up in a post Covid world and last but not least, an identity crisis.
As a recovering people pleaser, I cared way too much what people thought and often sought out external validation or allowed my instinct to “fix” and care for people to take over, once again burying my own needs. If I’m being honest, I still do! This stuff does’t change overnight. They’re often hard engrained coping mechanisms formed in childhood. Behaviors that we no longer need as adults but don’t know any other way. I’ve spent the last 1.5 years since my ex moved out, resting and healing from so much - getting to know myself without the fuzzy veil of alcohol or the subsequent anxiety and self loathing. For all of these reasons, it was a journey I had to do alone. I’ve put an incredible amount of time, energy and effort into this. I’ve let down family and friends who didn’t understand. All the time knowing, that putting myself first was (and still is) necessary until I learn how to function in a way that is healthy and sustainable.
I will live this second half of my life, completely different from the first.
Even with all this new perspective and self awareness, I seemed to have reached a plateau. My deep introspective healing time is coming to an end and I’m having trouble getting off this ride. Yes, the past 1.5 years spent by myself were necessary. It helped me heal, free of judgement and responsibility for anyone other than myself. But I cannot forget the hard lesson alcohol dependence and cancer taught me - we must continue to change, grow, and push past complacency. There is a fine line between my style of safe-care, and isolation. If I’m being honest with myself, it’s becoming the latter. That fresh new outlook of post cancer life is beginning to fade and I’m slowly sinking back into the couch, becoming slightly numb in this incredible cocoon I’ve built. It’s so safe and cozy in here but it no longer serves me and I know it.
It’s time to leave and live.
So what am I waiting for? I don’t know either. I’m hoping I’ve already left and I’m just waiting for my wings to dry.
