Square peg, round hole.

It’s me, I’m the square peg! That’s how life feels right now. Some of you have heard me say 2, 3, maybe 200 times: I’m done attempting to explain how different I feel, and how I view the world, since cancer.

When it’s not your experience, it’s just a bunch of words.

No one can truly comprehend what this means or how if feels. No one can view the world through my eyes and my need for that understanding is fading. I’ve accepted that new me + old me need time to settle in, time to find their place together in this life. It can feel frustrating, confusing and lonely. I doubt myself constantly as I find this voice, teetering between my old people pleasing habits and a voice that is often way too loud.

These moments of imbalance make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I’ve learned to sit with these feelings, these uncomfortable days when I feel misunderstood, knowing that they will pass. The time I spend agonizing over my mistakes gets shorter with each experience and that feels amazing because it shows growth, it makes me feel proud of how far I’ve come. I’ll continue to do this dance, getting back up each time I fall, until I hit that sweet spot…

BALANCE. 

It’s always been my issue. If I’m being lazy, I won’t leave the couch. If I’m being active, I’m hiking Machu Picchu. If I’m bad to my body, I’m boozing and eating cheeseburgers. If I’m clean living, I’m on a cleanse and vegan. I think you get the idea :)  

I’m not looking for perfection. I’m looking for a version of me who trusts herself and her intuition, who confidently communicates her needs while still being sensitive to others and who forgives herself when this fails. I want off this see-saw and I can feel there is already one foot grazing the ground.

It’s been almost 4 years since I finished chemo and was declared cancer free. That’s a long time for someone not in my shoes. My hair has grown back, any outer signs of sickness have finally faded. Friends and family have moved on with their lives, as they should, I’m not trying to dwell. But for me, it doesn’t feel that long ago. There’s been so much to overcome and I did it all by myself (with therapy) and with out the crutch of alcohol. I still battle brain fog, fatigue, hot flashes (all side effects of menopause and medication) and am reminded of what I endured every time I see myself naked. It’s still very present in my life but I’m not letting that stop me from continuing to do the work and move on. In fact, each year feels better than the last but it can’t all be highs (hello shit storms and rainbows!). This is a time of transition and I owe myself patience and grace because it will work itself out, it always does. 

This square peg will find her place.